SUPER BOWL

One hour to kickoff for SB XLV. I worked the past 2 Sundays so that I can be home to watch the Big Game. The ER staff has lots of "rules" regarding events and holidays and even astronomical occurrences.

Let's start with tonight. No men between 16 and 60 will come to the ER until after the game. "When did your chest pains begin Mr Smith?" "After the first quarter, but I assumed that it was the buffalo wings." Women and children and the elderly will still arrive for real and trivial problems. After the game, the menfolk will come in for stomachs aches, chest pains and injuries sustained from heated debate during or after the game.

The full moon is allegedly associated with an increase in psychiatric complaints. The word lunacy is derived from the Latin word for the moon. The phases of the moon exert gravitational effects on the tides but have no biological effect on humans, except of course for werewolves.

The night before major holidays such as Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter leads to a never ending stream of sick children who need to be cured before the night ends. After the holiday feast the overeating and suspension of dietary restrictions will produce patients with GI problems or congestive heart failure from excessive salt intake.

Saint Patrick's Day celebrants may drink a wee bit too much and suffer the direct deleterious side effects of alcohol poisoning. The disinhibition of alcohol increases the number of assault victims.

July 4th is sure to bring in hand injuries from exploding fireworks. One fourth of July I treated 2 geniuses who filled inflatable pool floats with acetylene gas. When the toys exploded, their eye and ear trauma was severe.

An increase in suicide ideation and attempts occurs with most major holidays. The upcoming Valentine's Day may be a very lonely day if one doesn't have a valentine.

The beer is chilled. The chili and chocolate cookies are prepared. The Chinese take-out and the guests will be arriving soon. Kick off in 20 minutes. GO ______!